Tears Begin To Fall Again

Today my little girl needed a cuddle, she walked up to me stared me in the face and wrapped her little arms around me. I sat with her for 10 minutes just holding her because she needed it, she needed 100% of my attention for just a while. I held her and as I did, tears fell from my eyes, now as I write this post tears begin to fall again. My daughter isn't perfect, she can be a monster but nothing would ever stop me loving her.

I have a memory that, one that still cuts deep. You wrote me an email explaining you didn't want me in your life any longer. I wrote down on paper everything that made me angry, everything you had done to upset me and I ripped that bit of paper into tiny pieces hoping it would take the pain away, it didn't. For weeks after I had to watch you welcome my brother into your home whilst you ignore me screaming 'Daddy' from the car, I would be sobbing but you didn't care. I was your 10 year old daughter and you treated me like I didn't exist.

Now I have a child of my own, I understand why some parents might cry when their child scuffs their knee or bumps their head. It breaks my heart hearing my little girl in pain and seeing tears roll down her face, I want to take that pain away but I can't. All I can do is hold her tight and wipe away her tears and tell her it's going to be okay, then try to put that little smile back on her face.

14 years ago Mum held me tight and she told me everything was going to be okay, probably knowing it wasn't going to be. She knew that I was going to suffer because of your actions. I can't imagine how Mum must have felt when I was sobbing because the man that was meant to be my father decided to give up his role, decided he didn't want a daughter anymore, decided to 'pick' a woman and her children over me yet I never asked you to pick between us, I just wanted my Dad to spend some time with me.

I still feel that rejection, the pain, the hurt and it still makes me cry. I think I feel it worse now I have a child of my own. I could never cause her this pain because I would never want her to feel how I have felt and the pain I often still do feel. I would hate for her to go through her childhood, through her teens and enter adult life feeling she isn't good enough.

Because of you I have struggled to trust people, lost most of my confidence, hidden behind a smile, felt judged, worried that people will reject me for who I am and doubted myself, anything that could of been something, never became, because before it could be, I would have already told myself I wasn't good enough.

Sometimes I worry I might turn out like you, I worry that I would be fine walking away from my own child, then I look at my beautiful little girl and there is no way I could ever leave her hurting, I couldn't walk away from her when she needs me, when she needs me to tell her everything is going to be okay.

I'd like to think that one day I will forgive you, maybe I already have and that's why I often feel sorry for you. I have grown up, I have a family of my own and you have missed it all. You have no clue who I am, where I am or what I am doing and you have never met my little girl (sadly I don't think you deserve her to be called your grandchild).

As much as I would love to forget everything that has happened I don't think I ever will, it has played a massive part in my life. I am happy with who I am today and I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for certain experiences.

Despite the pain you have caused, I don't wish anything bad upon you. I think of you occasionally, usually when I walk into aquariums, I sit with my my daughter and tell her all about fish just like you used to with me. I hope you are happy and enjoying life.

#Life #Experience #Confidence #Chandler #Emotional